The Sin People Don’t Talk About

by Nancy Van Pelt

The sexually abused don’t just grow up and forget the horrors of their childhood. Sexual abuse leaves scars that people carry throughout life. Without detection, reporting, intervention, and treatment, many will remain victims for the rest of their lives. Breaking the cycle of sexual abuse will not only protect our children but reduce crime now and in the future.

The following heartbreaking letter is all too true:

Dear Nancy: Recently, my twelve-year-old daughter came to me crying and told me that her father has been coming into her bedroom at night for several years and has taught her how to have sex. I am so shocked and stunned over this revelation that I absolutely do not know what to do or where to turn. To compound the problem, my husband is a highly successful and respected pastor. I’m afraid if I told people, they wouldn’t believe me. I did take my daughter to the doctor to be examined, and he confirmed that her story is true. I don’t know where to turn.

Dear Pastor’s Wife: The word incest is so frightening that most of us prefer not to discuss it, let alone face it in the family. Since the doctor has confirmed that abuse has taken place, the situation demands immediate intervention. You must call Child Protective Services (See appendix) immediately, unless the doctor has already done so, which the laws in most states require. Don’t question whether you should or shouldn’t. It is your duty as a mother to protect your child from all harm. This supercedes your duty to your husband.

When your husband is confronted, be prepared for what you may hear. He may admit that he approached your daughter once or twice but only because she was seductive and enticed him. Sometimes men do confess that it occurred, but say that it was only because they were so drunk and now they have no recollection of it happening. Your husband will likely swear it will never happen again. He may promise to make it up to you and beg for forgiveness. He may ask you to pray with him and then lay the entire matter aside. He may remind you that if he goes to jail, he’ll lose his job, and you’ll lose your home, and the family will be separated. Be prepared for all these arguments.

Your duty as a mother is to support your daughter through this and to protect her in the future. You are doing so right now, but within a few weeks your concern may begin to change focus from protection to survival. You may feel that you can’t make it on your own and that you need the financial as well as the emotional support of your husband. You may want to put all of this behind you and be a family again. You may want this so badly that you may actually begin to deny or minimize the situation. Maybe she did seduce him. Maybe she made up the whole story and lied just to get back at her father because he put some limits on her.

Should your mind continue with this fantasy, you might be tempted to suggest that your daughter change her story. Or you might want to tell her that Dad has admitted the problem but has promised it will never happen again. Or you may act depressed and talk of all the calamities that have befallen the family, the job loss, creditors at the door, we’ll soon be on the street, putting tremendous pressure on your daughter to do whatever it takes to make it go away. Guard against laying this burden on your daughter, who has told the truth. The doctor confirmed it, remember?

Think of what your daughter is going through. If she doesn’t change her story, she’s likely to assume responsibility for all that has happened to the family. She’ll think it’s happened because she told rather than because of what her father did. She’ll believe that everything people say about her father applies to her as well. Her guilt and depression will increase, although she’ll become skilled at hiding it. She has already learned how to hide her feelings and keep secrets. She’ll think she’s let the family down. At this point, she may say anything to try to put the family together again. In this case, she’ll be vulnerable to being abused again.

Unless you get your daughter the help she needs not, she will continue to have confused sexual identity, feelings of shame and low self-esteem. Such feelings will lead her to partners who feel the same way about themselves, although they may look great on the outside. And the cycle of abuse continues.

Your daughter will need counseling from someone who can lead her to the healing power of Christ. Since parents stand in the place of Christ, at least to the age of accountability, she’s had her capacity to enter into a healthy relationship with God undermined. Since she hasn’t been able to trust her earthly father, she’ll now have trouble trusting her heavenly Father. She needs a counselor, preferably female, who understands that her emotional and spiritual natures both need to be healed. You can find counselors who don’t charge a lot through the health department or a similar source, but they can’t heal the spiritual wounds. A skilled Christian counselor will eventually be able to help your daughter pull the tattered edges of her soul together and eventually move into the forgiveness phase.

Matthew 6:14, 15 tells us that we must forgive just as Christ has forgiven us. This applies even to the perpetrator of incest. Unless your daughter completes this phase, when won=t experience lasting healing because bitterness will keep her wounds open. You ask how such a thing can be forgiven. Without excusing the sin or minimizing it enormity, we must recognize that the perpetrator too is a soul who needs the cleansing of the blood of Christ. In the future, he can be led to face his sin and be forgiven. Only Christ Himself can provide that kind of forgiveness.

Now we’ll look at healing for you. Generally, when such an offense occurs, a family will turn to their pastor for guidance. In your case, the pastor is the perpetrator. So you may have to turn to the pastor of another congregation for spiritual guidance during this difficult time. You too will need to put yourself in the hands of a capable counselor to work through all the issues that need resolution. In addition, tell your prayer partner or members of a support system you trust about your husband’s sin and then, together with at least two or three of these supporters, confront him. Matthew 18:20 lends support to this idea: “Where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” NIV

*To report child sexual exploitation, first call the police, then call the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (800) THE LOST.

*Child Abuse Hotline (800) 792-5200 A system that links callers to the nearest crisis center automatically. All calls are confidential.

*RAINN Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network

(800) 656-4673 or (202) 544-1034

This article is excerpted from Dear NancyBA trusted advisor gives straight answers to questions about marriage, sex and parenting, Nancy L. Van Pelt with Madlyn Lewis Hamblin, Pacific Press, Nampa, Idaho, 2005. (Obtainable from www.heartnhome.com)