The couple relationship over the life cycle
Couples must develop coping skills and family strengths in order to overcome the stresses and strains on the marriage. Certain factors determine how high and low the peaks and valleys will be for a couple. Identified here are the stresses and strains at each stage of the life cycle so that yet uninitiated may recognize the maturity needed to sustain a marriage. Couples at any given stage can also recognize that what they are experiencing is normal, and surmountable.
STAGE 1: The honeymoon is over
Why the sudden drop in marital satisfaction immediately after marriage? Most couples are ill-prepared for the adjustments married life requires. Often romantic dreams have blinded them to the many realities that newlyweds must face. During the first 12 months, a couple faces the most problems with the least experience. In truth, the future of the marriage depends on the adjustment that takes place during the critical first year. And the most teachable time of marriage is during the first six weeks following the wedding. Each year a couple spends together, however, increases their chances for remaining married.
STAGE 2: And baby makes three
The childless couple’s life continues much the same as it did when they were courting. However, children drastically change the scene. Suddenly bride and groom assume the role of parents. Life is no longer what the young couple has been used to. They realize, perhaps for the first time, that, as parents, they are totally responsible for this helpless person and cannot rid themselves of their responsibility.
One study showed that 83 percent of the couples reported “extensive” or “severe” crisis in adjusting to the changes that occur with the arrival of the first child. A crisis situation now dominates the marriage scene. The husband-wife relationship now competes with the parent-child relationship for time, affection, and caring.
STAGE 3: The routine years
“Routine” marks the middle years. The couple now has one, two or more children. The romance of having begun a new family has faded. Note on the graph that the happiness level drops, as this stage enters, but not as sharply. The major shock to the family system has already impacted their lives. These are busy demanding years as the couple now adjusts their lives to the less fascinating tasks of attending parent-teacher conferences, chauffeuring children to and from games, meetings, and friend’s home, supervising music lessons, and settling fights over who gets to sit where. In many cases, these demands are on top of full-time work for both parents.
The daily hassles of parenting the young child become significantly greater and more upsetting as the child gets older. There is less time for the two to nurture their relationship, loss of privacy, less time for communication and an accumulation of responsibility – role strain.
STAGE 4: the mid-life crunch
Marriage faces the greatest danger during these years. Tension between husband and wife increases as tension with older children increases. Major decisions must be faced regarding teen conduct. Any dissimilarity in the couple’s background, methods of discipline, or future expectations for the children now come into sharp contrast.
Parenting teenagers becomes more stressful if there is a refusal to abide by reasonable household rules. In order to live harmoniously during this stage, the ideals of family living must be blended into one goal. In some families this transition occurs smoothly and easily, but in others the airs of Mom, Dad, and Teenager clash hotly.
STAGE 5 & 6: the empty nest
Children not only affect marriage when they enter but also when they leave. Studies show that as children grow up and move away from the homebase, there is an increase in marital happiness. And as the children marry off, there is a sharp rise in satisfaction.
As the child leaves, husband and wife once again must adjust their marital roles. The departure of grown children demands a major adjustment in the marriage relationship. Husband and wife are thrown together within time and space in ways they have not dealt with since early marriage. There is no one else to talk to except each other. There is no one else to do anything with but each other. The empty nest demands that husband and wife face each other, their marriage, and their future in a new way.
However, the empty next once again promotes togetherness for husband and wife without interruption. For the couple who has nurtured their relationship all through the years, this time of life can be one of the best and most satisfying.
STAGE 7: the aging couple
The happiness level falls off slightly during the final stage. The aging couple, if their resources and health permit, can enjoy many more good years together. The average couple will spend more than half of their married years with an empty nest. When couples prepare for this time, it can be a highly satisfying period of life.
Although this graph portrays the results of numerous studies, not every couple follows this pattern. However, most couples will tend to reflect these trends unless they spend as much time and effort in preparing for marriage and child rearing as they do for their lifework. It is important that couples be able to identify and understand the stress and disruption of the marriage relationship at each stage, consider it normal, hold tight during stressful times, and move forward rather than racing for the divorce court when problem occur.
During each stage of the family life cycle couples must be willing to make necessary adjustments in order to insure the stability of the marriage. As exciting and fulfilling as it is to bring children into the world, it is marriage, not parenting, that is primary. The average couple will parent only 18 to 20 years at best, but marriage lasts a life time when it is nurtured appropriately at each stage. So then all through the demanding years of rearing children, parents must remember to romance their relationship.
When was the last time you romanced your mate?