by Nancy Van Pelt, CFLE

You see them in the hallway and know they are in love.  Their eyes light up.  their hearts are doing backflips.  Each tugs at the other's imagination.  Their eyes and hands are locked.  They think they are meant for each other.

They may be, but this couple is going to make sure.  Instead of spending time dreaming, preparing the gust list, discussing food for the reception and dreamily browsing through bridal magazines, this couple is making notes ina workbook.  Laughter breaks the silence. There follows some intense discussion.  How much time should we spend separately?...With friends?...Who will write the checks?...Balance the checkbook?...Pay taxes?...Decide what TV program to watch?...What birth control methods to use?... Where to go for holidays?   Hmmmm, there's no laughter now as they get serious.

Before couples can adequately be prepared for marriage, a clear perception of the cause of divorce is needed.  The major cause of divorce is not infidelity (17%), drug or alcohol abuse (16%), or physical abuse (5%) as many assume.  Incompatibility is cited in  47% of all divorces according to a Gallup Poll.  Related to incompatibility were arguments over money, family, or children (10%).  In other words, three-fifths of marriages (57%) fail due to poor communication or poor conflict-resolution skills.

The Gallup study said, "More than one-third (38%) who have divorced report that they were aware of the problem at the time of marriage or soon thereafter."  This proves the theory that couples tend to ignore relationship problems when dating and drift through problems with rose-colored optimism.  When they do encounter a problem the tendency is to minimize its seriousness, thinking it unimportant or that is can be corrected after marriage.  As the romance wears off, however, the problems become glaringly more apparent.

The Gallup Poll came to this critical conclusion: "In an era of increasingly fragile marriages, a couple's ability to communicate is the single most important contributor to a stable and satisfying marriage."  The most important single goal of any engaged couple then should be to improve their communication skills.  Yet, most couples "in love" have the illusion that communication is easy, feel that they are each other's best friends and say they can talk about anything.  Those that are aware of communication problems don't know what to do about it and think their problems can be solved later.

The fact is they cannot improve their communication skills on their own any more than they could teach themselves to read and write on their own without going to school. 

Here are six points to an insurance policy against divorce.

1. Wait.  A waiting period of four months to a years should be considered.  Marriage is more than a wedding day and it takes time to prepare for something as crucial as marriage. 

2. Compatibility Testing.  PREPARE is the most widely administered premarital inventory in use in the United States.  PREPARE gives an objective diagnois of relationship strengths and weaknesses.  It also assesses conflict resolution skills.  The Taylog-Johnson Temperament Analysis (TJTA) is another valuable resource.  Such testing should include several follow-up sessions where the person administering the test will meet with the couple to go over results.  Special attention should be given to conflict areas revealed through the testing.

3. Premarriage and/or marriage instruction courses.  Consider participating in a Premarriage weekend such as Smart Love.  With 60% of all marriages dissolving, the engagement process should be rigorous enough to break weak relationships BEFORE marriage.  Serious couples can greatly benefit by examining their relationships in light of the subject matter.

4. Work with a mentor couple.  Few people are better equipped to help young couples begin married life than a mature couple with a solid marriage.  Such people are a great untapped resource for saving marriages.  An engaged couple can quickly identify with a married couple who is willing to share how they have solved problems as encountered.

5. A rigorous self-study program.  Couples can be guided into a self-study program by either the pastor or their mentor couple.  I would highly recommend that they study A Guide to Successful Dating and then A Guide to Successful Marriage.  How To Talk So Your Mate Will Listen is a must read.  Here the primary need is not "reading" but experience-based verbal and written communication exercises which will equip a couple to transform their romance into a lifelong, rewarding marriage.

6. Counseling with the pastor.  All of the previous steps are recommended in addition to whatever counseling the pastor feels is appropriate.  After all the previous efforts, the couple still needs to study seriously scripture related to marriage.  They need to learn what a "Christ-centered marriage" means and how to attain it.  It should not be assumed that because both persons are Christians or church members they know how to make Christ the head of their home.

These six suggestions hold true for all engaged couples, young or old.  Today many people are marrying for the second and third time.  Such persons are less likely to seek premarital counseling in subsequent marriages than the first.  And the older the couple is, the more likely they are to marry with little or no period of engagement or premarital work.

My final word:  Spend less time planning the wedding and more time building a relationshipo that will last a lifetime.

Copyright © 2004 Heart 'N Home