Love Me for What I Am
by Nancy Van Pelt
The following set of letters to the popular newspaper columnist pretty wells sums the title up:
Dear Ann Landers:
My husband I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. He’s a good provider, no bad habits, a wonderful father to our children, and everyone who knows him thinks he’s great. So what am I complaining about?
This man does not stop talking. The first thing I hear in the morning is his voice.
At night when I turn out the lights, he’s still talking. He asks me a question and answers it himself . He tells me he wants an opinion, and then he gives me one. He repeats a conversation, and before I can comment he tells me what he thinks, when we’re out socially, I never get a chance to open my mouth. People must think I’m a blooming idiot. Some of our friends don’t know I have vocal cords. Any advice?
Signed, Wed to a Talking Machine
Dear Wed:
After 20 years, accept the fact that this man is not going to change. It will save wear and tear on your blood vessels. And please read the next letter.
Dear Ann Landers:
I’ve been married for 22 years to a man who wil not talk to me. He refuses to discuss family problems and makes no comment whatsoever when I present family problems with which I need help.
I’ve tried every approach imaginable– from the nonchalant, casual, “What doyou think about this, dear,” to the impassioned request, “I need your help desperately,” and finally the screaming anguished pleas, “Will you answer me!” His response is a blank look and stony silence. Once in a while he mumbles, “I hadn’t really thought about it.”
My husband is an intelligent professional man who has a lot on his mind–but who doesn’t these days? I ask very little of him. I am tired of making all the decisions alone. I’m on the verge of blowing my mind. Any suggestions?
Signed: Wife of the Great Stone Man
Dear Wife:
After 22 years, accept the fact that this man is not going to change. It will save war and tear on your blood vessels.
Acceptance. No other quality is so vital or so fundamental to marriage. And it is certainly the foundation of a highly effective marriage. Love comes first, but acceptance of a partner must be practiced on a day-to-day basis or love will not last. When we are accepted by our mates, we feel appreciated, approved of, and ultimately encouraged to be all that we can be. But when our mate tries to improve or change some of our habits or behaviors, we feel hurt.
My own marriage is a prime example here. When I discovered Harry, I thought he was wonderful. He was adaptable and easygoing, as compared to my more structured and organized life. He was mannerly, caring, handsome, and treated me like a queen. We enjoyed many of the same activities, never argued or disagreed on anything. I thought I had succeeded where all other women had failed–I had located The Perfect Man.
During a portion of our courtship we were separated. I pursued higher education while he served his country in the Army. So our courtship was carried on via letters and phone calls. He remained PERFECT. (I still have some of those letters to prove that this is the way I thought of Harry during those years.)
But the minute the “I Do’s” were completed (probably on our way to the honeymoon site) I was already into my husband improvement mode. I knew what I was doing, but tried to state it so sweetly that he wouldn’t notice that I was making suggestions or trying to change him. My requests always began with a “Honey” or “Darling,” and I timed my appeals carefully.
I couldn’t believe that Harry actually resisted my well-thought-out, well-timed suggestions. I persisted. He either bristled or ignored me. Sometimes I thought he repeated the detested behavior deliberately just to spite me. But I wouldn’t give up. I knew we could have a great marriage if Harry would just improve in a few areas.
I redoubled my efforts. Things got worse. I would back off and try again. This man simply didn’t understand how I wanted to help him become the best man possible. I thought if only he would listen to me, there would be no end to what he could accomplish and how blissful the two of us could be. But all my efforts to help him failed, and things between us got worse.
One night, 15 years into our marriage, we had a major disagreement. This was The Big One. We both hurled vicous accusations. Exhausted from our unresolvable problems, we threatened divorce. One hurtful remark in particular stuck in my mind: “Since the day we married,” Harry told me, “you’ve done nothing but try to change me. You don’t love me or care about me. I am not going to change for you or anyone.”
I thought about what he had said, “You don’t love me.” Harry just couldn’t understand that I was trying to change him because I loved him. “I am not going to change for you or for anyone.” There is was. After 15 years of marriage I realized that if our marriage was going to survive, I was going to have to change. This was a new concept. I had been so busy blaming him for our problems that I was blind to my own faults.
As I stomped off to bed alone, I recalled a book a friend had given me that tells how to understand and treat a man. While reading it earlier, I had become so furious over some of the advce that I had thrown the book under the bed. I didn’t even want to see it, let alone evaluate what it might mean to my marriage. As I mulled my present situation over in my mind, I thought of the discarded book. I retrieved it and began reading.
I won’t say I liked what I read. But I was convinced the book was right: I had never given Harry the acceptance he needed. My constant suggestions that he change this or do that made him feel “less than.” Fifteen years of my nagging and complaining, even though my intentions were good, had almost destroyed our relationship. We had come within a hairbreath of calling it quits.
I read that book over and over, contemplating and evaluating each new concept. The very point that I had objected to the most became the salvation of our marriage. A few days later Harry and I had a state-of-the-marriage meeting. I told him that I had learned he didn’t need my suggestions for improvement–he needed my acceptance and encouragement. I assured him I was going to become a new wife. And I’ve been in the new wife mode ever since.
Is it easy for me? Definitely not! Some of us are more compelled to change our mates than others. My very temperament continues to push me in that direction. Sometimes I fail. I catch myself, or Harry lets me know I’ve stepped over the line again.
We all have blind spots in relationships in which we fail to see situations clearly. This is my blind or weak area. I will always struggle with acceptance. Perhaps you can understand why I consider acceptance so important. This is where I nearly lost my marriage, but where it was made new again. Constantly teaching the subject in marriage seminars as well as writing about it, has helped me grow.