Live-in Lovers
You’ve been dating someone terrific. He’s considerate, fun, and a great conversationalist. You think you have found the real thing. Obviously, he feels the same about you became after a delightful afternoon at the lake, he pops the question, AWe have something special here. How about moving in with me? Before you pack, look at the cold, hard facts.
Living together before marriage is almost a sure predictor of failure. Seven recent studies concur that couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who don’t. Three studies in the United States show that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to separate or divorce within ten years. A Canadian survey of 5,300 women found that those who lived together were 54 percent more likely to divorce within fifteen years. And a Swedish study found cohabitation linked with an 80 percent greater risk of divorce.(1)
The divorce rate is higher because these couples are less committed to the relationship and thus more likely to divorce. Their skepticism prevents them from giving their marriage the gungho push needed to succeed.
According to a comprehensive survey on 13,000 interviews, about 40 percent of cohabiting couples in the U.S. break up before marriage. And those that do marry have a 50 percent higher rate of separation and divorce. That makes for a 75 percent divorce rate. Another way to say it: Of every 100 couples who begin living together, 40 will break up before marriage. Of the 60 who marry, 45 will divorce. That leaves only 15 of the original couples still married. Society tells you to try the shoe on before buying, but this is not true when applied to marriage. The odds are 4 to 1 against a live-in relationship becoming a lasting marriage.
More than half of all recent marriages are now preceded by the couple living together. And two-thirds of remarriages are preceded by cohabitation.
Why This Trend?
What’s behind this trend? Many adult children of divorce want to live together first to avoid the mistakes of their parents. One study showed that 51 percent of the males and 56 percent of the female cohabitors believed that living together first would prove compatibility. (2)
Many are aware of such statistics but feel their situation is different. But as Dr. Laura Schlessinger puts it, Why are you willing, even eager, to play Russian roulette with your life? Why? Desperation. Fear of not having somebody of not having a life if a man doesn’t want you: (3)
Moving in together prior to marriage is an act of immaturity. There is no commitment. It blasts a loud message: You don’t have to do much to get me. Then your live-in buddy fools around. You stay, and another deafening message comes through: You don’t have to do much to keep me either. Furthermore, according to the Journal of Marriage and the Family, Aaggression is at least twice as common among cohabitors as it is among married partners. Cohabitors also experience significantly more adultery, alcohol and drug abuse than couples who do not live together. (4) All of these issues are devastating blows to self-worth.
Living together is a difficult trap to break out of. When you are dating, if someone is immature or disrespectful or abuses you verbally or physically, you can back off and not date the person again. But once you’re living together, it’s more difficult to end. You hope and pray your partner will change. But after a year of living together, separation can be as painful as divorceBespecially for women.
In addition couples who do marry are less happy in marriage. Women are particularly unhappy with the quality of communication after the wedding. While living together, each may be afraid to complain about irritating habits, express anger, or state preferences. After all, one gripe too many might send their partner packing. This sets up faulty communication and leaves the couple powerless to commit after saying, I do.
She Says-He Says
When asked why they are living with a partner, the number one reason cited by women is Ato get married. Yet only one in three cohabiting couples tie the knot.
Cohabiting males give a totally different reason for living together first. As one male put it, ALiving together provides safe sex, when you want it, how you want it. And one study found that 40 percent of cohabiting women said they endured a kind of sex they didn’t want or enjoy. Studies conclude that live-in arrangements favor men, not women. (6)
The Advantages of Marriage
Marriage has some definite advantages. It acts as a safeguard for moral standards, property rights, and join purchases. It also provides a legitimate name for children. Marriage laws prevent bigamy, fraud, the use of force, and the marriage of children or of a seriously incompetent person. It guards the legality of marriage and comes with many built-in protections. Living together offers no legal protection.
Marriage offers an opportunity for happiness, though it does not provide the wherewithal to achieve it. There is no magic in the wedding itself to change persons or circumstances. There is no guarantee a couple will live Ahappily ever after. Whatever happiness is achieved results from personal effort, knowledge, love, and commitment.
The wedding itself makes few internal changes, but it does make dramatic changes in status, rights, and opportunities.
This article is excerpted from Smart LoveBA Field Guide for Single Adults, by Nancy L. Van Pelt, Fleming H. Revell, 1997. (Obtainable from www.heartnhome.com)
Notes:
1. Laura Schlessinger, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives (New York: Harper Perennial, 1995), 91-92.
2. Michael J. McManus, Marriage Savers (Grand Rapids:Zondervan, 1993), 36.
3. Schlessinger, Ten Stupid Things Women Do, 92.
4. Glenn T. Stanton, AGuess WhatBGod Knows Best, Focus on the Family (Aug. 1995), 2-4.
5. Sue Browder, AIs Living Together Such a Good Idea? New Woman (June 1988), 120-24.
6. Ibid.