IS YOUR FAMILY A CIRCLE OR A DEADLOCK?
by Nancy Van Pelt
How cooperative is your family? Do you respect one another? Work together as a team? Is yours a true “family circle”? Many families never get that “we” feeling. Parents are pitted against each other as well as their children. There is no team play. Each one is out for himself. The result? Constant bickering, fighting, strife, and competition.
Scripture admonishes all of us to live in harmony with one another. Paul, in I Peter 3:8,9 (NIV), says: “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”
Are you tired of the old ways and are ready to learn some new ways to build cooperation and respect in your family–to get that “family circle” feeling? Here’s how!
Become a cooperative family through a Family Meeting in which everyone in the family has a voice in family affairs. The launching of the Family Meeting should be a decision that emerges from all family members, although it will probably originate with the parents. Children should be included in all Family Meetings, especially when the outcome of any decisions affect their lives.
1. CHOOSE A SPECIFIC TIME TO HOLD THE MEETINGS. Meetings should be held weekly. Set aside a time that best suits all family members.
The Family Meeting must take high priority or it will get crowded out by over-commitments. Nothing must interfere with this time. You may occasionally have to miss a week or two, but don’t do it too often. Some families say they don’t need a Family Meeting because they talk things over during mealtime. This is not the same or nearly as effective as a structured, pre-selected time and date.
The meeting should be no longer than 20 to 30 minutes in length. If a big problem arises, extra time can be taken if everyone agrees. But younger children will probably prefer shorter meetings.
All family members living under one roof should attend. This includes grandparents or any other extended family members or friends. No one should be forced to attend, however. Attendance is a privilege, not compulsory. Neither should anyone be punished for not attending. Punishment for not attending is simple–no say in family policies.
If a family member must be absent due to unavoidable circumstances, the Family Meeting can be postponed or canceled that week. This decision must be made by group vote.
Family Meetings should preferably take place at a round table where everyone can see everyone else and where there is equality. If you meet in the living or family room on overstuffed furniture, the tendency is to play, sleep, or be more laid back.
2. SELECT LEADERSHIP. During the first few weeks Mom and Dad may want to chair the meeting. But after that all jobs should be rotated weekly and announced in advance to give the new chairman time to prepare. The softer role parents play, the better the Family Meeting will function. The name of next week’s chairperson should be entered on the family calendar so he or she has time to organize business and materials for the meeting.
The chairperson’s duties are:
a. To prepare an agenda
b. To see the agenda is followed
c. To have the family calendar available at the meeting
d. To see that the ground rules are followed
e. To see that everyone has an equal say and vote
f. To see that the meeting flows.
A secondary leadership role is the secretary, who takes notes on decisions made and records them in a notebook which becomes the Family Record Book.
A child of three or four can attend and participate if the meetings are kept short and to the point. By age five a child can be considered “in training” for any role (a parent can help him record decisions in the record book and read them at the next meeting.)
3. LAY GROUND RULES. Whereas each family can and should make up their own ground rules, several suggestions are given here:
a. No phone calls during the Family Meeting
b. No eating or playing
c. Everyone has an equal vote
d. No put-downs, criticism, or ridicule
e. Majority rules. If there is a tie, the leader’s vote is dropped.
f. All decisions are valid until the next meeting. If a decision isn’t working, it can be renegotiated then.
g. Some decisions are reserved for parents.
Let’s look in on the Compton family, who have been having Family Meetings for two years with their children Tom, age 12, and Tim, 14. On this occasion Tim is chairperson and begins the meeting by saying: “As we begin I’d like to have each one of us compliment the one on your left. Tell one nice thing you like about that person. Mom is on my left and I would like to say thanks for all the good meals you cook. You make the best spaghetti. Thanks, Mom.” Each family member follows in turn. This builds self-worth and starts the meeting on a positive note.
Next Tim has Dad, who was secretary the previous week read the minutes from the last Family meeting. This reminds everyone of what was discussed and gives the opportunity to check on whether what was decided is working.
When all old business has been discussed, Tim moves to new business. The Compton’s have a bulletin board posted in the kitchen. When a family member thinks of something that needs to be discussed at the family meeting, it is jotted down under Family Business. Tim checked the bulletin board and found four items listed. (l) Tom broke a window at school accidentally. Should he have to pay for it? (2) The family purchased a new dog, Buffy. How is Buffy going to be cared for? (3) What shall we do about next Monday’s Family Meeting when Dad has to go to church board? (4) Mom and Dad feel television is interfering with study hours.
Each one who submits a complaint or problem explains it. Tom submitted the broken school window problem. Tom didn’t think he should have to pay for the window as school insurance would cover the replacement. Dad felt Tom should earn the money by after-school jobs and pay the school anyway. Everyone shared their thoughts and feelings without arguing or put-downs. After thorough discussion Tim put it to a vote. Mom, Dad, and Tim felt he should earn the money and pay. Tom must pay. Tim led the family through each of the items submitted in much the same manner.
Next Tim brought up chores and household responsibilities which rotate weekly. Each takes turns feeding the dog, mowing the lawn, clearing the table, loading the dishwasher, preparing meals, cleaning the fish aquarium, dusting, vacuuming, taking out the trash etc. Assignments for the coming week were quickly made.
Twenty two minutes had now elapsed, but before Tim dismissed the meeting he went over the family appointments, trips, after-school lessons, sporting events, entertaining, church activities and meetings listed on the family calendar.
Dad announced a weekend trip; Mom told about a scheduled visit from Gram and Gramps and a parent-teacher conference. All departures from the regular schedule were discussed.
All financial matters that pertain to the entire family should be discussed at this time. Some examples might be upcoming family trips especially, where certain expenses are to be paid for by the children. Discuss also how to pay for broken or lost items. Allowances and lunch or bus money for the upcoming week should also be dispersed at this time.
The Compton family follows each Family Meeting with a Fun Night. The previous week it had been decided that after the next Family Meeting they would go to a baseball game. Parents and boys now hustled out the door for some family fun together.
This procedure of allowing a group to discuss a matter is much more time-consuming than the authoritarian way, but it is sure to increase the cooperation of group members by involving them in the decision making. Family Meetings produce more secure children, reinforce the self-worth of every family member, and provide a laboratory where family members can learn negotiation skills. They also provide excellent training for each child’s future home.
It is important that parents not perceive a Family Meeting as a new gimmick through which to control children; neither is it a magical way to reform behavior. These things may occur as a by-product of the Family Meeting, but the purpose of the Meeting is to improve interpersonal relationships within the family circle, share responsibility, communicate ideas and feelings, and learn to enjoy one another. Try it and see what it can do for your family circle!