How To Paste yourself together when your parents are coming unglued
Meg hears the sound of her parents’ voices from her room. Another fight. They are trying to hold down the sound of their voices, as they always did in the beginning. It never lasts. Next come the screaming, the insults, put-downs, and threats, then accusations. Meg could quote most of them from memory. “You never want to discuss our problems!” “You don’t love me!” “All you ever do is hound me about the same old things,” “I can’t take it anymore. I’m leaving!” And on and on. Eventually there is the slam of the side door, followed by the roar of the car racing out of the driveway as Dad has done a thousand times before.
Peace settles over the house once again, and all that can be heard are the gentle hopeless sounds of Mom Sobbing into the night. Although Meg is tired, she is wide awake. Will Dad be gone all night as he has been before? How long will it take to settle this one? Was this worse than the others? Will Dad come home at all? A flood of worries, fears, and anxieties rush in. Meg finally falls into a fitful sleep.
The family fight
Parental fighting and marital discord are frightening. It may be a constant battle; it may be only the undercurrent of tension. You are afraid to be home and caught in the midst of it, and afraid to be away because one of your parents may not be there when you get back. It is disturbing in many other direct and indirect ways.
One thing you should know: All families have problems. You may think that your family is the only one in the world that acts like this, but it just isn’t true. Your friends may not be talking about the problems in their homes, but problems do exist, even if their homes look like heaven on earth. Any family that claims it has no problems is either denying them or is so unfeeling as not to care about solving them. Family problems are real and normal.
Furthermore, studies show that a couple’s satisfaction with married life dips to an all-time low during their children’s teen years. On a scale of one to ten, your parents are likely around three when it comes to being happy with each other right now.
Some of this unhappiness stems from you, since handling teenagers can be stressful. But a good bit of their unhappiness originates from internal conflicts completely unrelated to you. Your mom is leaving her mothering days behind and may be going through an identity crisis. Your dad may be entering a mid-life crisis in which he questions his purpose in life. When some of your teenage “craziness” collides head-on with a few parental conflicts, we have the perfect setup for family disasters!
When our world starts coming unglued we often tackle the problem in destructive patterns. Some teen attempt to escape their parents’ problems by downing drugs or alcohol, becoming sexually involved, running away from home, joining a movement, or by attempting suicide. Such escapes cause more problems than they cure.
Typical response
Whatever your family problem, your response will probably follow a fairly well-defined pattern. The process you pass through will likely be marked by (1) denial–numbed shock that your parents are having serious difficulties (statements like “This can’t be happening to our family” fit here); (2) anger turned outward – anger at your parents, who have caused your hurt, as well as anger toward God; (3) anger turned inward – the process of blaming oneself for what has happened; and (4) the last stage, genuine grief, which is usually followed by acceptance of the situation.
When Cassie first learned that her parents were divorcing, she was away at school. It was easy at first to pretend that everything was normal and that Dad would be there when she went home – stage 1. Reality set in when she arrived at home. She became angry and uncooperative with her mother and refused to see her father – stage 2. Back at school she lost interest in spiritual things and was no longer an active leader. Stage 3 began when she would like awake at night with thoughts like “I should have . . . How stupid of me not to . . .”
Maybe you’re not all torn up over your family situation, but you do find yourself thinking about it a lot, having difficulty concentrating at school or at work, or staying awake at night. Or you may find yourself blanking out on whole blocks of time, forgetting appointments, losing your appetite, having sick spells or crying jags, or wanting to lock yourself in your room and stay there forever.
Action plan
Rather than becoming overwhelmed by the problems around you, follow a plan of action. The more passive you remain through all the trouble at home, the more your circumstances will control and drain you. Coping with family problems is exhausting. Following a plan of action during time of stress will help. Here are some suggestions:
1. Do deep-breathing exercises. Tenseness and anxiety are relieved during deep breathing. This may sound too simple to be useful, but try it. As you slowly inhale, count in your mind to thirty. Then exhale while counting to thirty. After fifteen or twenty of these when you feel tension approaching, you will find the exercise having a tranquilizing effect. It will help you keep your problems in perspective.
2. Step back from the problems. Rather than taking sides in your parents’ conflicts or gritting your teeth and waiting for the next explosion, step back. The less involved you personally become, the better you’ll be able to handle the stress and evaluate the problems. Remember, you are not the cause of your parent’s problems. Even if they appear to be arguing over you, keep in mind that if you were removed from the scene, they would fight over something else.
Furthermore, you cannot solve your parent’s problems, and you shouldn’t try. Complicated adult marriage problems and family situations belong in the hands of competent professionals, not in the hands of young adults. It is possible that in an already troubled relationship, you might be creating more problems through one form of rebellion or another. An honest evaluation of yourself would be helpful.
3. Talk with your parents. When conflict between parents begins to make you sick, talk to them about it. You may never think it would work to do this, because you feel they would never listen to you, of all people. But this is one of the best and most adult ways to handle the situation. And it will be an excellent practice for solving problems after you are married.
Here’s how you might begin with one or both parents: “I’m really bothered by all the fighting between the two of you. It is keeping me awake at night, and I’m having rouble sleeping.” They may counter, “This is none of your business” or “Our problem have nothing to do with you.” Continue to make your position clear, staying with how their arguments are affecting you, not talking about how wrong they are. “I feel I am really being affected by this fighting, more than you understand. Could we talk about it?”
You’ve just a lesson in a little assertiveness training. Speaking honestly to your parents may work a miracle. If it doesn’t you will have at least dealt with your feelings and opened the door for discussion and resolution. Once again you have taken action.
4. Talk with a pastor or a counselor. Rather than remaining a passive bystander and letting your problems mount, talk them out with your pastor, youth leader, teacher, physician, or a trusted adult friend. Even though the person may be able to do little to help solve the problems, you will feel better because you are releasing the head of steam that is building up inside you. Beyond this, you can decide if you want to tell a friend or two about what’s going on in your life. Family problems are pretty personal and usually best not spread around. But a special friend who understands becomes a real asset.
5. Talk with the Lord. You may feel that the Lord has forgotten you entirely nd cares very little about your messed-up life. You may feel that if God really loved you, really cared, He’d do something to stop your family from breaking up. God does care but never forces His will on anyone. He won’t force His will on your parents, either.
If minute by minute, even when you are all broken up, you will lean on the Lord and give Him your hurt, pain, and anguish, He will help you bear it. He’ll not necessarily take the problems from you, but He will strengthen you so that you can survive. We’d never really understand the Lord as a friend if we never went through a crisis together. Think how God the Father must have felt when His perfect family was broken for thirty-three years while Christ was away from His home to rescue us!
Once you have been through all the steps – breathed deeply, stepped back, talked with your parenets, a counselor, and the Lord – and tried any of the creative suggestions at the end of this article, that’s about all that can be done. Now tune out. Disengage yourself as much as possible from the hassles by limiting your time at home. When your parents get the message that you will not be a party to their problems and that you no longer want to be home, hopefully they will seek the help needed to resolve their problems.
In the meantime, every day carries you closer to your own marriage. Make sure you are making the right choices now in order to avoid conflicts similar to what your parents are battling. Since the children of divorced parents have a higher rate of divorce than the national average, which is 50 percent, you are going to have to be careful in your dating relationships. Read Smart Love – Straight Talk to Young Adults About Dating, Love and Sex. Careful work now will help you to avoid some of the pitfalls your parents grapple with.
Keeping yourself pasted together when everything else is a mess is a gigantic task. But by monitoring yourself and making the best of even a very difficult situation, you will go a long way toward maturity, strength, and wisdom. Be a survivor! Alone you might not be able to, but together you and God can!
CREATIVE SUGGESTIONS FOR THE
BRAVE AND ADVENTUROUS
1. Ask your parents to limit their fighting. For example, you might ask them not to argue or be sarcastic at the supper table, when you have your friends over, or when you are at home.
2. Stage a demonstration. You and a brother or sister might role-play a recent fight, with a flair of humor. This might let them know what they really sound like. If you are really brave you might record a fight and play it back to them. This might cure them forever!
3. Buy your parents a copy of Highly Effective Marriage book along with the CDs and workbooks. Ask them to commit themselves to working the six-week program outlined in the workbook. Better yet suggest they attend a Highly Effective Marriage seminar!
4. Suggest counseling. If things are going downhill fast and divorce looks imminent, professional marriage counseling (not just that of a pastor or friend) might be useful. You can at least ask your parents to consider this. One girl went for help herself when her parents refused to go. She approached her parents like this: “I’m all torn up over our family situation and need to talk with someone about it. I have an appointment but need your permission to begin.” Her parents went for help too!
5. Suggest a weekend away. Many couples neglect their own relationships while getting too bogged down with finances, kids, work, and stress. Every couple should be doing something to nurture and romance their marriage occasionally. You could baby-sit younger brothers and sisters whie they are away. Surprise them with a gift certificate for a dinner for two at a romantic restaurant. Find some way to make it possible for them to break out of their routine.