But Sunday’s free seminar, titled “Get Organized,” had modern-day appeal. More than 60 people — many of them young women — attended the event, held at the Seventh-day Adventist Church on North Central Avenue.

“Even if it is old-fashioned, it’s still needed,” said Sharon Snarr of Modesto, who brought her 10-year-old daughter, Kendra.

Modesto Bee – TRACY BARBUTES/ tbarbutes@modbee.com The Seventh Day Adventist Church hosted Nancy Van Pelt’s seminar ‘Get Organized – 7 Secrets to Sanity for Stressed Women’ in Ceres, Calif., on 9-18-11. Susan Eavenson, front row, left, enjoyed a light moment.

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“It’s a problem in every home,” she said. “Who doesn’t watch those HGTV programs and say, ‘Please come to my house?’ ”

Conducted by Fresno author Nancy Van Pelt, the event was based on her book “Get Organized — 7 Secrets to Sanity for Stressed Women.”

Van Pelt’s secrets? She didn’t give all seven away, but she did say an important step is purging. Throw away that watch that doesn’t work, clothes that don’t fit, books you don’t read, pots from the plants that died last summer.

“Why do we keep so much stuff?” Van Pelt asked.

That stuff, she said, can affect us in ways we never thought of. Take the man who once asked Van Pelt — who also gives relationship workshops — about his cluttered home.

“He said, ‘I’d really like to romance my wife. But I’d have to find her first,’ ” she said.

Van Pelt gave hints on how to declutter your home, room by room. Start at the front door, she said, and move clockwise until every room is done.

“Every room, every closet, every drawer,” she said.

Spend one week — or even longer — on each room.

“It doesn’t matter how long you take,” she said, “as long as you are progressing.”

Some more tips from Van Pelt:

• When purging, separate items into four boxes or bags labeled “throw away,” “give away,” “put away” and “store.”

• Empty drawers on plastic tablecloths to minimize mess.

• Have a pad and pencil handy. Jot down notes about minor repairs that might be needed to a cabinet, for example, or cleaning supplies you’re about to run out of.

• Have a filing system and use it. One file should be for personal items, one for receipts, one for bills. Give each child a file and tell them to put their school papers there.

• Get rid of toy boxes. Have children learn to group like items in small bins instead.

Audience members asked plenty of questions.

What do you do if you have too many framed photos? Take the pictures out of the frames and put them in a file folder.

What do you do with your mail? Van Pelt said she walks through the garage after collecting her mail, making sure to throw junk mail in the trash before it hits the house.

It’s those ideas, audience members said, that made the talk appealing.

“Clutter bothers me,” said Shila Russell, a 31-year-old from Turlock. “Learning how to organize more effectively … I like that.”

Bee staff writer Kerry McCray can be reached at kmccray@modbee.com or (209) 578-2358.

Read more: http://www.modbee.com/2011/09/18/1866605/free-yourself-byjettisoning-junk.html#ixzz1YisV7Adr

I’m suffering so inside and sometimes I even want to die.  At other times I get so angry at some stupid little thing my husband does that I have a terrible temper tantrum, which drives him even further away.  I don’t want a divorce but what about a trial separation to wake up my negligent husband?  I’m at the end of my rope.

Dear Starved: In trying to be so loving to your husband–so gracious and kind and such a good wife–you are actually shielding him from the consequences of his actions.  You have tolerated his behavior and failed to confront him with loving toughness.  Just as rebellious preschoolers can profit from a well-timed spanking, so guilty adults should experience the consequences of uncaring behavior.  There’s nothing quite like a dose of reality to awaken dreamers from their fantasies.

The secrecy you’ve maintained prevents you from getting the emotional support you need to keep yourself together.  It is almost masochistic of you to refrain from telling anyone about the agony you are so bravely suffering in silence.  This martyrlike approach can take people to the brink of suicide–that’s why I’m urging you to see a counselor immediately, whether or not your husband will.

You indicated you felt you must tolerate the relationship for the sake of the boys.  I admire your tenacity, but your perspective is shortsighted.  In the process of giving your boys a home, you are also giving them a severly depressed, emotionally starved mother.

Becoming angry and throwing a temper tantrum is no more effective in dealing with emotional rejection than it would be in dealing with a rebellious teenager.  Screaming, angry outbursts and berating are rarely successful in changing behavior.  What is required is a course of action that demands a specific response and results in a consequence.

A separation might be in order, but don’t use it to end your marriage.  Do it to rescue your marriage–to awaken your husband to the responsibilities that he carries as your husband and as the father of his children.  you might find a temporary separation the only method of forcing your husband to recognize that you need professional help to salvage your marriage.  This crisis of loneliness may be the last step in jarring him to his senses; you could be doing the most loving thing by temporarily making him more miserable.  If this would be your motive in separating from him, then I could find no scriptural condemnation against your decision.

Before you attempt a separation, however, I recommend you attend a tough-love or assertiveness training class while while tempering it with biblical principles.  Then tie a knot and hang on.

Give me a call if you have any questions.  Let me know when you have this up.

Give focused attention when on a marital date. Perhaps a reminder is needed regarding what focused attention means—time spent paying close attention to each other. This time spent together must not include children, friends, or relatives. Romance can only blossom in privacy. Some couples think they can be romantic with their children present. No. Romance and children just don’t go together. Intimacy is destroyed.
Remember, it is next to impossible to create intimacy between husband and wife with little ones crawling on you, a toddler wailing from another room, or a preteen checking on you. But as parents you do have a responsibility to keep your children inspired regarding the possibilities that lie within marriage. A romantic relationsh8p between the two of you will do the trick.
Agree you will not discuss strange diaper rashes, piano or basketball practices, schedule changes, or transmission problems. Time spent in going to concerts, watching television, attending sports events and plays doesn’t count either, because you are being entertained by an outside source and there is little or no time for intimate conversation or focused attention.
It is essential that couples create activities that meet their greatest emotional needs. Romance, for most women, means intimate conversational sharing and affection: for men it means sharing a recreational activity and sex.

Dress Up a little. On a date night both partners need to dress to look different. A woman dressed like she’s about to clean the stove will not delight her husband’s eye. Don a dress with a cut that will make your husband look twice. Fix your hair, spritz on perfume, and slip into a pair of heels that make your legs look great. If the children cry and the babysitter asps when they see you, you’ll know you’ve succeeded.
While dressing for the occasion, men also need to clean up their acts. Beer bellies, holey T-shirts, and a face covered with unshaven stubble fail to pass the dreamboat test. Ragged jeans, dirty fingernails, and halitosis won’t make it either. But a fellow with a fresh shave and aftershave lotion, a clean pressed shirt, a pair of slack pants, and polished shoes, is sure to make a hit impression. Most important of all, wear a smile!
It makes a woman feel special when you take time to dress nicely for her. When you make the extra effort to prepare yourself for her, she takes it as proof you love her. When you don’t, she assumes you don’t. Being appealing to her was an important part of your courtship. She needs the same kind of thoughtfulness now.
One man spoke from his heart: “You are right. I get dressed up to go to the office every day. But after work and on weekends, all I wear is a favorite old pair of jeans and a ragged T-shirt. I try to love her up a little and she pushes me away, saying I need a shave. The only time I turn her on is when I’m going out the door in the morning. Now I know why.”
Try meeting at your destination rather than leaving the house together once in a while. This creates the feeling that you are about to rendezvous with someone exciting. Week nights lend themselves better to this strategy. There is something special about walking into a room full of people and allowing your partner to get an eyeful before settling into your seat.

Flirt with each other. It isn’t difficult when you are out to distinguish dating couples from married ones. While a dating couple caresses each other with their hands and eyes, what’s a married couple doing? Eating. There’s no touching, no intimate lingering looks, no teasing smiles. If the couple does talk, the conversation goes like this: “Careful, you’re going to spill.” When food arrives, they hunker down and concentrate on moving fork to mouth. There’s nothing to say because they already know everything about each other and don’t attempt to discover anything new.
While couples who have been married a few years are well past the early discovery dates, there yet remain a few subtle, changing mysteries about the other person that need to be peeled back gently. That’s what marriage really is—an ongoing discovery process. And that’s what dating after you’re married is all about. Where you go and what you do don’t matter as much as that you make plans to be alone and do not lapse into habitual ruts.
Husbands and wives need to learn to flirt with each other all over again. A whisper in the ear, a playful hug, a note tucked into a briefcase, or a kiss for no reason at all can help couples stay connected during the day. Pleasing glances complimentary phrases, a sidelong glance, a charming smile, a hand laid lightly on your partner’s arms when laughing at a remark, all produce a momentary lift.
It’s impossible to develop a close, intimate relationship without spending meaningful time together. I recommend a couple of hours one time per week, or every other week if you can’t manage weekly dates.

Excerpted from Nancy Van Pelt’s book Highly Effective Marriage.

1, Kidnap your partner for a mini vacation—an afternoon or evening of something he/she has been wanting to do.

2. Drive through a new housing development and tour a model home.

3. Check out new furniture in a furniture store. (It doesn’t cost anything to look!)

4. Buy two bottles of bubble-blowing liquid. Go to the top of the tallest place around—a building, a mountain, the rooftop of your house. Blow bubbles and watch them drift out of sight.

5. Take a tour of yesteryear—snuggle up in bed and spend an your going through family albums together, reminiscing about fun times shared in the past.

6. Take a late-evening walk. Talk about what’s in your hearts.

7. Go exploring—any place your mate would like to go (within reason)—to a mountain hideaway or a ghost town you’ve heard about. Check out a quaint shop on a side street.

8. Take a stroll through the park. Try out the swings and see who can swing the highest.

9. Visit the Golden Arches. Dress up in your best clothes, and eat at this famous fast food place! Your formal attire in an informal place will be fun! Lay footsie with each other under the table.

10. Try a hot-tub date. If you don’t have a hot tub, use a friend’s. Let the hot, bubbling water soak away your stress. Talk about something fun.

11. Go to the nearest pond or lake to feed the fishes. Toss leftover bread to the fishes while you watch them fight for lunch.

12. Create a treasure hunt for your mate. Begin with a note directing him to a specific drawer in the kitchen, where he’ll find another note telling him to go to the car, where there will be a bouquet of flowers with a note saying that he must drive you to a certain spot for further instructions. At the end of the trail (you can make it as long as you like), you be there with a picnic on the beach or a reservation at a favorite restaurant.

13. While one of you is at a board meeting and the other is driving the kids to music lessons, rendezvous someplace and share a bag of M & M’s.

14. Take turns asking each other out on a date. The one who asks has to make all the plans for the evening, choosing the restaurant, making reservations, arranging for baby-sitting etc.

15. Be adventurous. Climb a mountain together, go rafting, travel to a foreign country.

16. Take a night class together—cooking, photography, landscaping, a foreign language, or craft. This provides something new to talk about.

17, Meet for lunch one day a week. This gives you both something to look forward to and breaks the monotony of the week.

18. Plan an afternoon of biking in a favorite neighborhood, in the country, or interesting area. Over a picnic lunch, share ideas for building your dream home. Take memory pictures.

19. If your child is sick and the sitter is out, plan a date night in your bedroom. Light the candles, play your favorite romantic music, and read love letter you wrote each other long ago. Add a cup of tea and homemade cookies, and you’ve got an interesting evening.

20. Make a list of six activities you would like to do with your mate. At least once a month, take turns picking one activity from your partner’s list and join in with gusto. Whether it’s horseback riding, boating, or in-line skating, participate graciously just as you would if you were dating and not married.

This article is by Nancy Van Pelt and excerpted from her book Highly Effective Marriage.

Imperfect Situations – Men sometimes think of spiritual guidance as being as much woman’s work as having babies and cooking the evening meal. Many women have tearfully confided to me that they would give anything if their husbands would only assume spiritual leadership for the family. Yet women are going to their spiritual deaths because their husbands are not willing to be the priests of their homes.

Some men plead their case by saying they attend church every week (at their wife’s insistence), or serve on the church board, and say grace at the table. But such Christianity won’t hold the family together when a major crisis arises or when children hit their teen years.

When it comes to spiritual leadership, Joshua challenges my heart and mind. In chapter 23 of his book Joshua tells the leaders of Israel that he is an old man. Then he traces what God’s hand has done for his people during his life as their leader. He gives some practical instructions about marriage, warning people not to intermarry with unbelievers or they will not have God’s protection.

In chapter 24 he begins his favorite and most eloquent theme. He tells Israel that serving God should be the highest priority of all. He then asks each to choose that very day whom they will serve. “But as for me and my family,” he declares, “we will serve the Lord” (verse 15 TLB)

Joshua didn’t say “I will serve the Lord.” He assumed responsibility for his entire family. He announced to the entire nation, once and for all, his unyielding decision that he and his entire household would serve God. He didn’t leave the spiritual chores to Mrs. Joshua.

Women of the world cry with me in asking their beloved husbands to take on the spiritual challenges of the home. It is the husband’s responsibility to give spiritual security to his family unit. Husband and wife need each other emotionally and physically, but spiritually we need each other desperately!

Three Secrets That Will Build Spiritual Oneness

1. Attend church together. A recent study showed that couples who attend church together, even as little as one time a month, increase their chance of staying married for life. Churchgoing couples feel better about their marriages than those who do not worship together.

Mixed-faith marriages experience trouble sooner than marriages in which both partners are of the same faith. One reason is that while dating a couple finds it difficult to think realistically about marriages. It is easy to minimize the difficulties likely to be encountered. The four most common causes of conflict in mixed-faith marriages are summarized below:

a. Conflict over what religion the children will follow. In homes in which children are taken alternately to both religious services in two faiths, one study showed that six out of 10 children end up rejecting all religion.

b. Conflict over church attendance.

c. Conflict over interference by in-laws in religious matters.

d. Conflict over size of family and/or spacing of children.

For Harry and me, worshiping together has been an experience of rest, peace, and renewal. We dedicate our day of worship to liberating ourselves from the tyranny of productivity that fills the rest of the week. Dedicating one day per week of worshiping our God strengthens our relationship as well as providing renewed energy to tackle the week before us. Worshiping together nurtures the very soul of our relationship.

Worshiping together automatically draws a couple closer. In addition to a physical bonding, a spiritual bonding takes place that promotes humility, sharing, compassion, and intimacy. Spiritual truths help couples transcend selfish desires and become part of a larger plan.

2. Become engaged in a service ministry. Hundreds of ways exist to incorporate service to others in your marriage. The key is to find something that fits your personal lifestyle. Harry and I enjoy inviting friends and strangers to our home after worship service. We have tried to make our home a center of friendship and encouragement. Sometimes our hospitality is spontaneous and casual, sometimes planned and elegant, but we always try to make it a special time.

It’s through hospitality that I met Harry in the first place. My parents had a beautiful waterfront home with a terrific view of the bay in Tacoma, Washington. During my young adults years, my mother and I always thought it our patriotic duty to invite home for dinner after church all the tallest, most handsome unattached servicemen stationed at Fort Lewis. Harry came to dinner and never left!

Today hospitality to others has become a team service ministry that has provided us with endless opportunities for fun and the occasion to meet new people and add to our list of friends. If this sounds like something you’d enjoy, you will find more about it in my book Creative Hospitality – How to Turn Home Entertaining Into A Real Ministry.

The following list has service ideas that have worked for other couples and their families.

*Adopt an elderly person with no family to visit and take them a treat.

*Volunteer to serve at a soup kitchen for the homeless.

*Visit a nursing home and sing or read stories to the elderly

*Visit the ill in the hospital.

*Deliver food baskets to the needy.

*Make up a friendship basket of goodies and deliver it to someone new in your community.

Working together in a service ministry helps blend spiritual oneness. As you become involved in a ministry outside yourselves, you’ll learn about selflessness. It will create opportunities to spend more time together, as well as provide new topics for conversation.

3. Pray together. How often do you and your mate pray out loud–together? The story is told of a young couple on their honeymoon who wished to start their marriage out right by praying together before retiring each evening. At their bedside that first night together, the bride couldn’t suppress the giggles as she heard her new husband pray, “For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful.”

Humor aside, research shows that couples who pray together are happier than couples who do not. And couples who pray together frequently are more likely to rate their marriages as being more highly romantic as those who pray together infrequently. And get this–married couples who pray together report higher satisfaction with their sex lives than couples who don’t pray together. Because prayer makes one vulnerable, it draws a couple closer.

At first, Harry and I had a hard time praying together. For one thing we were too uncomfortable and embarrassed to pray out loud together! On the few occasions when we did pray at night, Harry would fall asleep while I prayed. And while Harry prayed I mentally wrote chapters for a new book, redecorated the family room, or allowed my mind to wander to any number of tasks the morrow held. We soon lost interest in praying together.

Then we were introduced to “share prayer,” which has become one of the most enriching experiences of our lives. The idea is to take turns at being the prayer leader and introducing requests. The first night it was my turn, and in one sentence I introduced and prayed conversationally for the first request on my heart. Then Harry prayed a short sentence prayer for that same request. Next I introduced and prayed my second request, and Harry followed.

We repeated the process until I had covered all the topics that burdened my heart. Harry admitted that this was a vast improvement over our previous attempts to “pray together.” This method not only kept him awake but made it interesting. It was like having a three-way conversation with God. We both lost track of time. The next night it was Harry’s turn to introduce the requests of his heart and I prayed for them in turn.

Within a week several strange things began happening. Because I now knew what was near and dear to Harry’s heart, I began praying for his requests, almost making them mine. He did the same with my requests. Our bonds of love deepened when we saw the other remembering, caring, and praying for our requests.

Once while traveling from Fresno to Brazil I was detained in Miami because of visa problems. Officials at the Brazilian embassy had warned it was impossible to obtain a visa in one day. I found myself alone at the Sheraton Hotel in the center of Miami at 1:30 a.m. making phone calls to Brazil to alert my contact there that I would not be arriving in time to meet my speaking obligations.

Frazzled, I phones my husband next, and broke into a running disaster report. While we were still on the phone, Harry prayed for me. “Dear Lord, my wife is 3,000 miles from here on her way to Brazil. She’s frightened, and there isn’t much I can do to help her get out of the situations. But I ask You to take care of her and calm her.

“Give her the peace that only You can provide. You can perform the miracle necessary for her to obtain the necessary documentation so she can continue on her way tomorrow and then return safely home. Thank You, Lord, for beginning Your work right now. Amen.”

Even before Harry finished his prayer, my hysteria left. My confidence in my Lord, my ministry plans, and my husband had been restored as he prayed out loud for me. I slept peacefully until morning. I got the visa the next day and continued on to Sao Paulo.

The longer I continue in my ministry to families, the more convinced I become that the depth of relationship that comes from worshiping together, engaging in a service ministry, and praying together can prevent many marital problems that trouble relationships today.

This article was excerpted from Highly Effective Marriage by Nancy L. Van Pelt

Dear Nancy: I am a single mother with four children, all boys, ages fourteen, twelve, eight and six. I need counsel on how to raise them properly without a father. They are all good-looking boys, popular at school and obey me quite well. I want to head off trouble if I can. Do you have any advice for me?

Dear Single Mother: When God instituted the family, He meant it to have two parents B a mother and a father. Today=s we live in a society that reaps the results of sin. When a family breaks up, the children suffer. Research confirms is that boys experience extreme stresses when faced with father is absent. Let=s take a brief look at some of the findings.

Researchers in the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth tracked 6,403 boys for twenty years. They found that sons of single mothers are at greater risk for violence and that whether or not the mother received child support made no difference to the child’s outcome; the key factor was the absence of the father. Surprisingly, boys who lived with their single fathers were no more likely to commit crimes than were boys from intact families. The reason? Probably that fathers who don=t marry but who commit themselves to raising their children are uniquely devoted.

The research also says that a new husband/stepfather won’t solve the problem. In fact, it confirms that this often makes things worse for boys. According to this study, males living in stepparent families were almost three times as likely to face prison as those from intact families. Blending families produces some unique stresses. It is typical for a child to see the new parent as a usurper. Their loyalty to the absent parent can be intense. Such children rarely welcome a new parent.

There is no way you as a woman can model for your boys an endless number of male tasksBthings like shaving, or thinking or talking like a man. Therefore, it is your task as a single mother to direct your boys to a father substitute. It might be a youth group with a male leader, a prayer group, a Bible Study class,, a soccer team. Check the library for biographies on great men. Rent videos that focus on the accomplishments males with integrity. Read Bringing Up Boys* and subscribe to Focus on the Family=s magazine for single parents*.

As a single mom you can provide a successful environment for your boys. Doing so will take time, energy and creativity; but so does everything else worth pursuing in this life. You can do it. Whether you do so depends on your priorities. Success in relating to your boys in positive ways is directly correlated with positive feelings you have about yourself and with finding support from others outside the home. It may seem difficult, and almost unfair, that you have to take the initiative, and shoulder all this responsibility but this is crucial.

*Dobson, James. Bringing Up Boys. Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House, 2001.

*Focus on the Family (800) 232-6459

*Van Pelt, Nancy. Train Up A Child: A guide to successful parenting. Hagerstown, Md.: Review and Herald Publishing, 1984. (Obtainable from www.heartnhome.com)

This article is excerpted from Dear Nancy:A trusted advisor gives straight answers to questions about marriage, sex and parenting, Nancy L. Van Pelt with Madlyn Lewis Hamblin, Pacific Press, Nampa, Idaho, 2005. (Obtainable from www.heartnhome.com)

Dear Frantic Mom: Face it, you can=t. If she wants to become sexually active, there is little you can do to stop her. Naturally, you=ll want to supervise her activities and monitor her behavior to the best of your ability without overdoing it. But the fact remains that teenagers today have multiple opportunities to engage in sex when and if they want to. No parent, teacher, or pastor can follow a teen around day and night to prevent misconduct.

The ultimate choice about remaining chaste until she marries remains with your daughter and is determined by what she thinks about herself and what she desires for her future. Your job as a parent is to prepare her to make that choice. Before you can prepare her, however, you must be prepared yourself. I highly recommend you read Smart LoveBStraight Talk to Young Adults About Dating, Love and Sex*. I=ve prepared another resource for concerned parents like you titled The Smart Love Sexual Values Discussion Guide*. This guide will lead you and your teen through six lessons and prepare her to pledge herself to sexual purity until marriage.

During early-teen years, dating standards should be a frequent topic during informal times such as when the two of you are watching TV or when riding in the car, as well as during family worships and family conferences. Your daughter should feel free to make any statement or ask any question, as shocking or adverse as it might be. You should avoid responding with lectures, put-downs, or any form of retribution. Wouldn=t you prefer that your daughter get information from you rather than just from her peers? Remember also that during the teen years your daughter=s opinions and perspectives may differ from yours. Remember also that they will change. She may overstate her views in an effort to meet your objections or break loose from your values. An overreaction from you at this point may well insure that she will some day attempt the very things you more or less forced her into defending.

Does this plan of action come with any guarantees about her purity untill marriage? No. But this option is making a powerful impact on teens the world over. It=s your best option and worth a try.

*Van Pelt, Nancy. Smart Love—Straight Talk to Young Adults About Dating, Love, and Sex. Clovis, CA.: Young Life Specialties, 2003. (Obtainable on the web site www.heartnhome.com)

*Van Pelt, Nancy. Smart Love Sexual Values Discussion Guide for Parents and Teachers (Obtainable on the web site www.heartnhome.com)

This article is excerpted from Dear NancyBA trusted advisor gives straight answers to questions about marriage, sex and parenting, Nancy L. Van Pelt with Madlyn Lewis Hamblin, Pacific Press, Nampa, Idaho, 2005. (Obtainable on the web site www.heartnhome.com)