Family Leadership
by Nancy Van Pelt
Jim’s problems with his wife and teenagers drove him into counseling. He told the counselor he had a hysterical wife and three undisciplined , rebellious teenagers. According to his story, his wife accused him of failing her and the children, and she cried all the time. She complained she had to do everything alone, that he took no interest in her, the children, or their home. She felt “invisible” and was fed up because he showed no leadership, and she no longer considered him a “man.”
Jim was a competent professional who related his story openly. He was baffled by his wife’s crazy demands and didn’t understand what she wanted, since he earned a good living. He admitted to a rapidly deteriorating relationship. Their fights were marked by bitterness and hostility followed by days of silence. Jim was at the end of his rope and wanted to know how to straighten out his wife.
The counselor asked him to return for a few visits alone so he could get to know Jim on a personal level. He learned that Jim had a passive father and a controlling, dominant mother. This model from the past taught him that men sit back as silent observers and avoid open conflict. He also learned that women take over and have all the say as well as make all the major decisions in the family.
This pattern had become firmly established, and now he acted out what he had learned during his early years. He was always “there,” but he escaped from family encounters by retreating into himself, the televison, newspaper, work, or the antique car he was restoring. He rarely entered into family discussions or took an active part in ensuring a smooth-running family.
The running of the home and family was left entirely to his wife, just as his father had done. Rather than arguing with his strong-willed wife regarding any decision she made, whether he liked it or not, he withdrew. “Peace at any cost” became his motto.
Jim excelled at work and was well liked by everyone. He handled conflicts well and over the years had enjoyed numerous business successes. His counselor pointed out that if he would use at home the same management methods he used at work, his home conflicts would dissipate. Jim listened. The advice made sense.
Over a period of time he worked at asserting himself and taking a more active leadership role at home. Rather than fighting him for control as he feared she would, his wife gratefully gave up control as he stepped in. Evidence of new strength, leadership and courage showed in little ways at first and eventually in bigger and more important ways.
It became evident to everyone that his feelings of self-worth improved. Gradually his relationship with his wife and teenagers began to change. As he showed more interest in his wife and communicated more openly with her, she became less frantic and hysterical. He made firm demands on his teenagers even when they rebelled. When he stood up to them, they tested him at first but then responded positively.
Jim eventually assumed more and more responsibility for total family involvement and supportive leadership. The wife and teenagers who used to fight and challenge him now responded lovingly to him. The family worked through their problems and it all began when the husband and father recognized that he was at fault and searched for clear answers.
Supportive Leadership
Leadership differs vastly from authoritarianism. An authoritarian represses individual freedom; a leader encourages freedom of thought and action. An authoritarian is uncompromising; a leader is understanding. An authoritarian is unyielding; a leader is adaptable. An authoritarian assumes no willingness to cooperate and therefore dictates; a leader manages, motivates, inspires, and influences in order to obtain a willing cooperation toward a mutual goal.
Love keeps the balance in a leadership role, and therefore it demeans no one. It allows for open and honest discussion (even dissenting opinions) and includes a sound system for making decisions, solving problems and setting goals. When a husband takes seriously the command to love his wife as much as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25), he will establish a supportive partnership in which he never forces his wife to obey but wisely offers tender leadership that encourages her to follow. Such supportive leadership brings harmony and happiness to both and will certainly have God’s blessing.
Scripture offers a multiplicity of directions on how to be effective leaders of the home. Authority is granted to the head to meet the needs of his family. But nowhere has any authority been granted for a man to command anyone to meet his own selfish needs. His leadership is to encompass unselfish love and responsible authority, not tyranny.
Adapted from Highly Effective Marriage, Chapter