CHORE WARS

by Nancy Van Pelt

Practical suggestions for family members who want to live together in peace and reasonable order

Career, marriage, church, children, home – many wonder how to keep up with all these commitments.

One, our home, is so basic that we ma take it for granted. But if a Monday morning has ever dawned when we didn’t have clean underwear, cold milk, hot water, and a clear path to the door, then we know a home doesn’t evolve toward cleanliness and order.

Those of us who live alone have no one but ourselves to blame if we can’t find a wrinkle-free garment for church. But those of us who share our living space can certainly irritate one another. A cache of dirty socks, a paper trail from dining room to bedroom to study, a half-finished lego castle; here a little, there a little. We increase our family’s stress, they increase ours; we get irritated, they get irritated; we lash out, they retaliate. Before you know it, not of us has a kind word left in our vocabulary.

Arlie Hoshchild, a sociologist, studied 150 two-career couples to find out what happened when they returned home from work. The results were published in his book The Second Shift. The total number of hours each parent spent at his or her job, doing household chores, and taking care of children were added up.

In this study the husbands were discovered to have 15 more hours of free time peer week than their wives. Over a year’s time this amounted to a month of free time while their spouses raised the children and cleaned the house. The study also showed the wives becoming stressed, burned out, and alienated from their husbands.

Hoshchild observed that the men in the study were forfeiting something vital to the health and possibly even the survival of their marriage–namely, the love and respect of their wives. Although the women in the study were maintaining the extra load, one thing happened over which they had little control: they were closing down emotionally. Many of the men clearly loved their wives, yet found it hard to renegotiate homemaking and child-care tasks.

Guiding Principles

Does Scripture offer any principles to guide us? Paul does ask Christians to “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6, 2 RSV). Some see this primarily as a theological admonition. It seems possible to me, however, that it speaks also to our daily lives together at home. If so, how can we as husbands, wives, and children work better together to maintain our common living space?

For families that have arranged for one adult to stay home while others work elsewhere and go to school, this article may not be necessary. For the rest of us, here are a few ideas:

1. Switch roles temporarily.

Switch roles for several days. The tasks he ordinarily does, she does, and those she does become his. After two days of this, one husband observed, “I’m not doing as much as I thought I was, and she’s doing more than her share.” Once husband and wife fully experience the other’s world of responsibility at home, each may be more open to negotiate change.

2. Start a family clean-up hour.

According to Dan Aslett, America’s self-proclaimed cleaning expert, 38 percent of housework has nothing to do with cleaning. Instead, it deals with clutter – putting everything away. To solve this problem, call all family members together for one hour every week to put belongings away and tidy up the house.

Three things make it work: (1) Everyone takes part (even dad). (2) Work in teams. No one tackles a mess alone. While a daughter straightens her room, dad vacuums. While mom sorts through the clutter on top of the refrigerator, a son mops the kitchen floor. (3) No one stops or plays until the work is done or 60 minutes is up, whichever comes first. Once a home is decluttered, cleaning becomes easier and faster.

3. Save five minutes for pickup.

All family members (including mom) take five minutes to tidy up before leaving their rooms in the morning. Make it a rule: Before coming to breakfast, hang up your towel, put your brush away, and make your bed. Just five minutes. Be firm, consistent, and reasonable. And stay with it.

No parent should perform maid service for other adults or children old enough to go to school. Insist that family members pick up after themselves. If they fail to cooperate or “forget,” start a buy-back basket. You pick up the item, and they buy it back for 25 cents (or a dollar if you get desperate). Keep the money and treat yourself.

4. Post a list of jobs

People who don’t ask for help rarely get it. Written messages can work wonders. Establish a message center, perhaps in the kitchen. List jobs to be done. This eliminates “I didn’t know . . .” or “I forgot . . .” or other excuses. Every once in a while provide a surprise or a reward. This keeps everyone reading the list. And it makes doing chores worthwhile.

5. Make chores fun.

Make chores pleasant and fun. When a parent criticizes, nags, and complains, the family develops negative attitudes toward work. I find that children work better when someone works with them. Working together in the yard, for example, with each person doing a different task, provides a great opportunity for togetherness, communication, teaching, sharing, and playing. The same technique can be used when cleaning the garage or house. Find things to laugh about. Add a song, tell a story, listen to music, whistle. Afterward, play a game together, have a water fight, or head for the park. Be creative, and the family will learn that work can be fun. What’s learned with pleasure is learned full measure.

How to Negotiate for Change

The previous suggestions can provide temporary relief. But what about the long haul? A 1990 study of 22,000 homes revealed that 43 percent of husbands helped their wives, but only when asked. One woman explained, “I appreciate a helping hand, but what I really want is to be able to count on specific jobs being shared weekly . . . that every week he would vacuum, make the bed, fix a meal, or shop for groceries.”

Because this requires change in your family system, the matter needs discussion. Before an important discussion like this, consider these pointers on the art of negotiation.

* Find a quiet place to talk

Search for a time and place where you and your spouse can talk with few interruptions. For example, at home after the children are in bed or over dinner in a restaurant. Discussion ini a public setting is a good idea, especially when we fear losing control. It forces us to control volume, personal attacks, and nonverbals. After both spouses come to an agreement, bring the subject up during a family conference and involve the children in the problem-solving process.

* Say it straight

State feelings openly and respectfully through the effective use of “I-messages.” “I feel overwhelmed by the amount of tasks that I have to do every evening when I come home from work.” “Angry” may best describe your feelings, but to say “I feel angry when you aren’t helping around the house” may not get the point across as well as other more specific feeling words such as “upset,” “exasperated,” “annoyed,” “resentful,” or “frustrated.” Speak calmly. Lower your volume rather than raising it.

* Describe what you are experiencing

Explain clearly in nonblaming terms the effect of overload on you, the marriage, the children. Specifically, this may include lack of sleep, continual tiredness, and lack of time for church, friends, hobbies, or recreation. The clearer the picture, the more likely the family will be to agree on change.

* Stay with the subject

Side issues may surface, but stay with the subject of how the housework will get done. The more problems that surface, the less likely the family is to solve any of them.

* Show respect

No matter how unhappy we may be with the current level of housework being accomplished, we can still show respect. Here are some no-no’s. No name-calling: “You’re all sloppy.” No remarks about in-laws or relatives. No put-downs. “You’re the laziest people I know.”

* Offer solutions

Once feelings have been aired constructively, encourage other suggestions. Offer some tangible solutions. Be specific, but don’t push too hard.

* Evaluate the solutions

Once all available information has been aired, together consider choices about a course of action most likely to succeed. Our tendency when we are anxious to negotiate change is to fill each pause or hesitation with words and to push, push, push. Try to be comfortable with silences, especially when others are quieter than you.

* Choose an acceptable solution

Good solutions can be reached when all parties compromise. Winning is not the goal. Where there is a winner, there must also be a loser, and no one likes to lose.

* Implement the decision

Decide who is to do what, where, and when. Consider who has more time, expertise, concern, and enjoyment for each task and then decide who will do it. Jotting down what all have agreed on avoids misunderstandings later.

* Hang in there!

At times we may be tempted to say, “Forget it. I’ll do it all alone.” Don’t. We often leave unpleasant situations too soon when we could, within minutes, reach a solution.

After Negotiation

After negotiation, especially if we’ve experienced conflict, we need reassurance that we are loved and cared for. Find something positive on which to comment. Give an unexpected compliment, a pat on the back, a hug, a kiss, or a big smile. These things draw us closer again.

All of us response positively to appreciation. We often try to win further approval. My husband, Harry, noticed how extremely tired I was the other day and offered to fix the meal. I was openly enthusiastic over his efforts. I bragged about the meal later to our friends. I overheard him say, “If it means this much to her, I’ll do it again.”

Appreciation is a powerful motivator in changing behavior. Instead of criticizing when others fail to help, comment favorably when they do. This is called positive reinforcement.

Friendly negotiation can solve chore war conflicts. Be patient with yourself, you spouse, and your children. Change doesn’t take place overnight. New habits take time to establish. Don’t expect too much too soon. Pray. Then keep asking. Homes in which family members do their fair share are happier.

* Adapted from Nancy’s book Get Organized – Seven Secrets to Sanity for Stressed Women.