Authoritarian Parenting

by Nancy Van Pelt

Dear Nancy: My wife and I have 3 children, one of whom is beginning first grade, while the others are pre school age. We’ve worked hard on obedience, but at times we have disagreed on methods of discipline. I tend to have more of an authoritarian style of parenting, and she can be quite permissive and lax.

How can we reconcile the two? And which is better for kids?

Dear Authoritarian Parent: You and your wife have opposite parenting styles and neither extreme is good. Both extremes hinder children’s development. Researchers have found a third style of parenting, Aauthoritative parenting@, to be the most beneficial. In the authoritative approach, parents set clear boundaries and rules. They enforce these rules firmly, using commands and corrections, while they also encourage the child’s growing independence and individuality. Authoritative parenting encourages open communication between child and parent, with verbal give-and-take. Parents and children both recognize they have rights.

Children raised in this parenting style tend to be more competent, industrious, self-reliant, persistent, and determined. They tend to have a stronger sense of their own abilities and are less susceptible to feelings of depression and anxiety. Children raised by authoritative parents generally have better academic achievement and social adjustment.

While permissive or authoritarian parenting styles are less than ideal, there’s something even worse. Opposing each other in the presence of your children– objecting to some disciplinary action taken by your spouse–has even more devastating results. It can be difficult to step aside when you feel your wife is not handling a disciplinary situation correctly. But stepping aside is exactly what you should do. You damage your children when they observe you disagreeing over how you should handle them. If you do oppose what your wife is saying or doing, speak your piece in private, never in front of the children

You and your wife differ in temperament, methods and response. Your children will rapidly learn how to respond to each of you. They already know who is strict and who is the softie, and they will adjust their behavior accordingly. Despite these differences, your children will likely mature normally– as long as they know their parents work together on major issues. But if they ever learn they can Adivide and conquer@ they are likely to use that technique against you both. Each of your children needs to feel secure, and this security grows in the garden of consistency. It will be deeply threatened if they see one parent trying to make up for the lack of the other or if they see one contradict, argue with, or undermine a stand the other has taken. As parents, you and your wife might remember this motto when attempting to work together: AUnited we stand, divided we fall.@

Your children need discipline in an atmosphere of love. Competent parents avoid extremes in both permissiveness and punishment. If you love your children with a nurturing love, then you and your wife can discipline them with a proper balance between love and control even though you have opposing disciplinary styles. Your overall goal as parents, however, should be to adopt a parenting style that encourages your child to become all he can become B even if that means changing deeply ingrained habit patterns.

This article is excerpted from Dear NancyBA trusted advisor gives straight answers to questions about marriage, sex and parenting, Nancy L. Van Pelt with Madlyn Lewis Hamblin, Pacific Press, Nampa, Idaho, 2005. (Obtainable from www.heartnhome.com)