The "We" Feeling -- How to Get It Going In Your Family

by Nancy Van Pelt, CFLE, CFCS

 

How cooperative is your family?  Do you respect one another? Work together as a team?  Many families never get that "we: feeling.  Instead, many are almost battle weary.  Parents are pitted against each other as well as their children.  There is no team play.  Each one is out for himself, which results in constant bickering, fighting, strife, and competition.  The big people as well as the little people are often frustrated, upset, irritable, and unhappy.

 

Scripture admonishes all of us to live in harmony with one another.  Paul, in I Peter3:8,9 (NIV) says: "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.  Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."

There is a way of producing better cooperation in families.  So if you're tired of the old ways and are ready to learn some new ways to cooperation and respect in your family--here's how!

 

The best way to become a coooperative family is through a Family Meeting in whcih everyone in the family has a voice in family affairs.  The launching of the Family Meeting should be a mutual decision that emerges from all family members, although it will probably originate with the parents.  Children should be included in all Family Meetings, especially when the outcome of any decisions affect their lives.

 

1. Choose a specific time to hold the meetings.

Meetings should be held weekly.  Set aside a time that best suits all family members.  It will not be fair to choose Tuesday night if that is Tom's night for basketball.  But the Family Meeting must take high priority or it will get crowded out by over-commitments.

Nothing must interfere with this time.  You may occasionally have to miss a week or two, but don't do it too often.  Some families have their meetings after breakfast on weekend, others every Tuesday night.  Some families say they don't need a Family Meeting because they talk things over during mealtime.  This is not the same or nearly as effective as s structured time.  A special pre-selected date at a specific time makes the Family Meeting important.

 

The meeting should be no longer than 20-30 minutes in length.  If a big problem arises, extra time can be taken if everyone agrees.  But younger children will probably prefer shorter meetings.

 

All family members living under one roof should attend. This includes grandparents or any other extended family members or friends.  No one should be forced to attend, however.. Attendance is a privilege, not compulsory.  Neither should anyone be punished for not attending.  Punishment for not attending is suffered through natural cnsequences - no say in family policies.

 

.If a family member must be absent due to unavoidable circumstances, the Family Meeting can be postponed or canceled that week.  This decision must be made by group vote.

 

2. Select Leadership.

During the first few weeks Mom and Dad may want to chair the meeting.  But after that the job should be rorated weekly.  The softer role the parents play, the better the Family Meeting will function.  The name of who is going to be chairperson the next week should be entered on the family calendar so he or she has time to organize business and materials for the meeting.

    The chairperson's duties are:
            a. To prepare an agenda
            b. To see the agenda is followed during the meeting
            c. To have the family calendar available at the meeting for discussing dates
            d. To see that the ground rules are followed
            e. To see that everyone has an equal say and vote
            f. To see that the meeting flows.
    A secondary leadership role is the secretary, which can also be rotated weekly.  The secretary takes notes on decisions made and records them in a notebook which becomes the Family Record Book.  These decisions are read the following week under "Old Business."

A child of three or four can attend and participate if the meetings are kept short and to the point.  By age five a child can be considered "in Training" for any role.  "In training" means that a parent can help him record decisions in the record book and read them at the next meeting.

3. Lay Ground Rules.
A few simple ground rules will help the meeting run smoother, keep on schedule, and produce better results.  Whereas each family can and should make up their own ground rules, several suggestions are given here:
            a. No phone calls during the Family Meeting
            b. No eating or playing
            c. Everyone has an equal vote
            d. No put-downs, criticism, or ridicule allowed, regardless of what opinion has bee voiced
            e. Majority rules.  If there is a tie, the leader's vote is dropped.
            f. All decisions are valid until the next meeting.  If a decision isn't working it can renegotiated later
            g. Some decisions are reserved for parents.

Meet the Compton's

Let's look in on the Compton family, who have been having Family Meetings for two years with their children Tom, age 12, and Tim, who is 14.  On this occasion Tim is chairperson and begins the meeting by saying. "As we begin, I'd like to have each one of us compliment the one on your left.  Tell one nice thing you like about that person.  Mom is on my left and I would like to say thanks for all the good meals you cook.  You make the best spaghetti.  Thanks Mom."  Each family member follows in turn.  This builds self-worth and starts the meeting on a positive note.

Next Tim has Dad, who was secretary the previous week read the minutes from the last Family Meeting.  This reminds everyone of what was discussed.  It also gives the opportunity to check on whether what was decided is working.  If not, the decision may need to be renegotiated.

When all old business has been discussed, Tim moves to new business where all complaints and family problems are discussed.  The Compton's have a bulletin board posted in the kitchen.  Throughout the week any time a family member thinks of something that needs to be discussed at the family meeting, it is jotted down under Family Business.  Before the meeting Tim checked the bulletin board and found four items listed.

  1. Tom broke a window at school accidentally.  Should he have to pay for it?

  2. The family purchased a new dog, Buffy.  How is Buffy going to be cared for?

  3. What shall we do about next Monday's Family Meeting when Dad has to go to church board?

  4. Mom and Dad feel television is interfering with study hours.

Each one who submits a complaint or problem explains it.  Tom submitted the broken school window problem.  Everyone was encouraged to ask questions regarding the problem so it could clearly be understood.  Tom didn't think he should have to pay for the window as school insurance would cover the replacement.  Dad felt he should earn the money by after school jobs and pay the school anyway.  Everyone shared their thoughts and feelings without arguing or put-downs.  After thorough discussion, Tim put it to a vote.  Mom, Dad and Tim felt he should earn the money and pay.  Tom must pay.  Tim led the family through each of he problems submitted in much the same manner.

Next Tim brought up the chores and household responsibilities which rotated weekly.  Each takes turns feeding the dog, mowing the lawn, clearing the table, loading the dishwasher, preparing meals, cleaning the fish aquarium, dusting, vacuuming, taking out the trash, etc.  But these jobs rotate weekly according to a schedule.  Assignments were quickly made.

Twenty-two minutes had now elapsed, but before Tim dismissed the meeting he went over the calendar for the upcoming week.  All family appointments, trips, after school lessons, sporting events, entertaining, church activities and meetings are listed on the family calendar.

The Family Meeting, then, provides a clearinghouse for all upcoming events.  Dad announced a weekend trip.  Mom told about a scheduled visit from Gram and Gramps and parent-teacher conference.  All departures from the regular schedule were discussed.

All financial matters that pertain to the entire family should be discussed at this time.  Some examples might be upcoming family trips especially where certain expenses are to be paid for by the children.  Discuss also how to pay for broken or lost items.  Allowances, lunch or bus money for the upcoming week should also be dispersed at this time.

Make it fun!  The Compton family follows each Family Meeting with a Fun Night.  The previous week it had been decided that after the next Family Meeting they would go to a baseball game.  Parents and boys now husteled out the door for some family fun together.

This procedure of allowing a group to discuss a matter is much more time-consuming than the authoritarian way, but it is sure to increase the cooperation of group members by involving them in the decision making.  Family Meetings produce more secure children, as they know where everyone will be for the next several days.  The self-worth of every family member is reinforced because each counts in the decision-making process.  The Meetings also provide a laboratory where family members can learn negotiation skills.  They also provide excellent training for each child's future home, as well as establishing an atmosphere in which positive feelings of worth can be fostered.

It is important that parents not perceive a Family Meeting as a new gimmick through which to control children, neither is it a magical way to reform behavior.  These things may occur as a by-product of the Family Meeting, but the purpose of the meeting is to improve interpersonal relationships within the family circle, share responsibility, communicate ideas and feelings, and learn to enjoy one another.  Try it and see what it can do for your family!

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